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[18 Dec 2009|03:05am] |
sometimes being able to say "i told you so" or "i knew this would happen" just plain sucks. some things i would really prefer to be completely fucking wrong about.
at this point all i can work myself up to be distraught over is not having someone to maintain life check-ins with. the give and take of ups and downs. expecting more than that would be asking faaar too much,especially with the wild variations im having in late stage withdrawals. god forbid i have some constant in my life, certainly not someone that i might be able to produce and share more ups than downs with.
while a bottle of brown liquor and a hank sr. cd sounds like a suitable replacement, ive experienced enough at this point to know it will work as long as i need it to (until this unicorn waltzes into the room) but because of it's desired effects i will more than likely miss or dismiss the unicorn. which makes the effects necessary again.
basically ive finally accepted as a fact that it's highly unlikely i will ever find this companionship while substituting mood altering chemicals for it. what a lovely paradox.
so i can do one of several things, perhaps a combination if i find the need to mix it up:
a) continue to detox and hope that as my body stabilizes with the aid of anti-depressants and lack of self-medication i will be able to get out of bed without having to give myself hours of motivational speeches, shower regularly, make an effort at my appearance and begin participating in social functions other than AA meetings (which are surprisingly peppered with attractive girls). i guess ill need to watch some goddamn romantic comedies to get an idea of where love is most likely to "blossom" or whatthefuckever. id start volunteering at the red cross and/or homeless shelters tomorrow if i read a supporting statistic. otherwise ill just have to wait until this mythical energy returns to my broken body and i have time to spare. as it stands, i believe we're supposed to bump into each other a few random times and have brief but pleasant exchanges until we are eventually stuck in the same place and made to realize how perfect we are for each other. or we run into each other after drinking all night and go home together. i cant remember.
b) return to the chemical comfort of daily drugs and alcohol until i die, go to jail, or wind up with someone else in the same situation so we can both use each other physically until our unicorns show up. this hasnt worked very well in the last four or five years of trying. if i could measure the desire for healthy, mutual, communicative love by my substance abuse substitutions i would get some kind of fucking guinness world record. that i do not doubt.
c) remain wholly asexual 96% of the time and become cemented in heterosexual life partnerships, probably devoting my time to music and/or other increasingly eccentric hobbies and projects if i remain any kind of clean. if not, back to the rat race of finding ways to stay fucked up.
i could go on but it's not really necessary. of course it could be argued none of this was, but fuck whoever wants to argue shit like that. i feel frighteningly optimistic about the possibility of finding love. lately ive realized i havent been open to the idea since, well, the first time i guess, and now that it's been reinforced a hundred times over that "holding a candle" for someone (ive never used that phrase and never will again) or whatever the fuck you want to call it is more or less emotional suicide (and at times certainly close to physical) i can be open to meeting and getting to know people. id prefer to be in a location where i didnt have any sort of reputation to precede me but at least i had fun making it--whatever it is, im sure it's not gold--most of the time.
not that im scouring the earth for love right this moment. this began wishing i had someone to have open, honest, back and forth discussions with, and the bottom line is thats what i want. ideally mutual attraction would be present or come about because reading in bed with someone and having a napping partner would be fucking killer, but we cant have everything. at least with a healthier, clearer-thinking* head i can be open to real human relationships again.
if there's anyone else left out there that even wants this kind of shit anymore is yet to be seen.
*as ive said before, being sober in my mind does not equate to having a clear head. it just means i can say all these thoughts, which now often come rushing ten at a time at light speed, are me and mine and not alcohol or heroin's. for whatever that's worth.
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(2 melted army guys | light a match)
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| late night daydream |
[12 Dec 2009|02:53am] |
it's thick, heavy, dirty metal. shackles between my legs and hands, with a big fucking bowling ball-sized chunk dangling behind me attached to a wide collar around my neck. im starving and there's a delicious piece of exotic fruit hanging just out of reach, like a carrot in front of a horse. i get a slight taste every now and then but haven't broken the skin in years. i can see where i bit in to it and vividly remember how thoroughly satisfying it was. and i want it. the whole thing.
but god damn it all if i finally get it to my lips, just before my teeth sink in, and the son of a bitch isn't rotten. did it go bad because the skin was broken around the old bites? now that i look at it it's obvious i'm not the only one that's been trying to eat the damn thing and i can't even tell where i bit it in the first place. sigh. i bend down, turn the key in the shackles and take off the horrible apparatus with the choking weight and the stupid fruit dangling hat. walk across the hall, open the door to the buffet room and sit in a vinyl booth, stretching out as i look around at all there is to eat and enjoy.
im not sure if anything in here will be as fully satisfying as that weird fruit originally was, but im happy to be out of those fucking chains and able to sit down to a nutritionally balanced meal if i feel like it.
it feels really good to know whatever changes im making are primarily for myself, without being selfish. better me=better son, brother, friend, etc. and that's the goal, right?
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(1 melted army guy | light a match)
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[12 Apr 2009|08:03pm] |
this is mine. ive had this journal for probably four or five years. and this week i realized something fucked up happened. somewhere along the line, im guessing when the party started or at least when i started focusing more on hanging out, i lost a fat chunk of myself. that has to be the cheesiest way to put it but ive been thinking heavily in terms of "cheese" for current lack of better word and other played out magical revelations that have been portrayed countless times in book and film. i dont give a shit, i mean yeah i wish i didnt feel it but it's human emotion, some of it's just unavoidable. i think it's called relating.
whatever.
the point is that i havent been completely 100% honest with myself (but who really is?). im a huge fucking nerd. i was reminded of this when i was at the bar talking to a girl. we were at least a little beer attracted to each other but i really couldnt do anything about it. i would rather just be like hey youre cute too im going to crawl into a cave and start a fire. theres plenty that could be said about underlying reasons for this, but however it's analyzed it still makes me a fucking dork. i forgot that when i was seven or eight years old i decided i was going to do things as they came naturally to me, because more often than not i ended up getting things right and not messing things up so much. of course thats like macaroni art versus going to jail, but either way i distinctly remember deciding that i wasnt going to listen to other people if i thought my idea would work better, because every time i did it someone else's way i (or we) ended up in getting in trouble. and that is one of the most frustrating things in the world, to know that you were right and now youre screwed because of someone else. difficulty submitting to authority is such a fucking can of worms im not even going to think about it right now.
i really havent even cracked the surface here, so instead of trying to articulate this shit in form and agreement im just going to spit out what been making me cry lately.
i cant remember the last time i was so frustrated in my life. i feel like it's tattooed on my forehead or somehow attached to my social security number so that when anyone ever accesses my information they know to fuck with me until i eventually break down and die or just leave. this is also the first time ive ever written and hoped that my wonderful mother might come across it. ive been on buprenorphine, a form of detox medication (essentially methadone's big brother) for about five months. it's only function is to keep me from going into opiate withdrawals so i can function normally because without this medicine or heroin or some other form of opiate i would not be able to get out of bed or off the couch for anywhere from a week to a month, and thats a long fucking time to miss work or class. ive never made it through one day without something, it's like the flu times ten. im scared when i come off of this shit im going to be laying in my room moaning and crying and shitting on myself trying to claw my throat and eyes out, if it's anything like the few times ive started actual withdrawal, and i cant imagine how it's going to be a week in. it's literally unfathomable and i cannot stress it enough. i want to laugh it's going to be so bad, just to keep from crying. anyway, thats why they put people that are dumb enough to abuse these opiates so regularly that their bodies become dependent on these drugs. and it's the fear of withdrawal, and the time it takes to dedicate to pretty much feel like youre dying slowly for a while. it's kind of confusing to get into this because it's trading one drug for another, but it's one that's far more deadly, dangerous, and illegal, for one that you can live indefinitely on with minimal side effects.
note: THIS IS 100000% MY FAULT. i am not crying for sympathy or help, i know what i have to do, i just want to get this out of my head. im tired of this running through my brain over and over and over and being afraid to bring it up or even access it on my own, because obviously i dont want to kill myself right now when ive got good shit coming down the pipeline (hopefully?), and this shit makes me pretty fucking irrational, and when that becomes an option something is wrong. ive been frustrated to tears so often lately not just because im in this situation, but because this situation is affecting everything in my life so negatively. i can barely afford my meds, actually i cant, i split them with someone, and then i cant afford my bills, so then i do stupid things just to make a little extra money to try and cover my shit. to try and have money for gas and food now that im out of dining dollars and ive only been able to work a day a week, two if im lucky. i really dont know how ive been getting by at all. if i had enough money to cover my bills i swear to anything alive and real that my life would be smiles and hugs and making people feel better. but then on top of all this bullshit ive been dreaming and thinking about my dad and just thinking about being able to listen to some records or go fishing with him. now im crying too much to type fuck thisl
this is all weird.
i dont want to talk or think anymore. i want to be held like a little baby. but since thats never going to happen im going to cry alone while i drive back to tuscaloosa, rubbing this antianxiety pill into dust in my fingers because im a really fucking leaky pipe and im tired of being wrapped in duct tape over and over. i need to drain it all out and turn back into the smiling goddamn dust i came from. or ill just eat it and continue to cry for what seems like no reason.
ps
HAPPY EASTERRRR!!
mom if youre reading this im sorry shoob and i came home at 6am, i really really wanted to go to church with you, and im sure thats another reason i cried earlier. i love you and i actually believe youre the best mom anyone could ever have.
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(4 melted army guys | light a match)
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[28 Mar 2009|11:41pm] |
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recently ive noticed a lot of highly satisfying group discussions happening after 3 or 4am. it's nice to be with like-minded people (as far as general curiosity goes, not so much stances) just trying to figure out why things are the way they are and all the other standard topics like religion and family/social dynamics and all that kind of shit without getting terribly rhetorical. just thinking out loud. hmph. i think helplessness keeps me going in a weird way. just something to think about later. not being awake sounds like a good idea right now. not being alone would be nice too.
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(light a match)
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| DONT |
[01 Mar 2009|06:51pm] |
while we were trying to get the floor tiled in the bathroom for my mom's birthday (i guess thats why we're doing it) mike gave me a utility knife, the kind that has pliers and screwdrivers and different blades. i know im not the only one that feels this way but for some cheesy reason there is automatically something special about a father giving his son a knife, even if he's technically my stepdad i think of him just the same, after all he's done way more for me than my real dad ever did aside from providing a set of genes that continues to please and frustrate (of course that might not be completely fair since he died like seven years ago, and for the record i definitely dont resent him, either--at least not significantly). i put it in my pocket but as soon as he went upstairs i had to pull it out and play with it and feel like a kid again for about two minutes. im glad i have a new knife, even if i lose it or break it at least i'll get some use out of it. ive really been needing one, this is the longest ive gone without carrying one in as long as i can remember and it's only been like two months. i also think this knife giving significance is further reinforced because the last thing my dad gave me was a knife for my fifteenth birthday, and he didnt get to give it to me because he died like two weeks after my birthday and i hadnt been able to see him because everyone was busy or fighting or some awkward shit. so i got it at his funeral and never used it.
well, now that ive explored this to an almost depressing root im going to get in the car and drive back to tuscaloosa. totally meant for this to be two or three short sentences but thats what happens when you have nothing else to do and a few preliminary thoughts rolling around behind your eyes.
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(3 melted army guys | light a match)
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| these things are so fucking CUTE!! |
[19 Feb 2009|11:44am] |
You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.
Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.
All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.
You are feeling full of uncertainty and worrying over what you consider as missed opportunities. This is causing considerable stress and tension. You feel that there must be more to life than the constant pressures and anxieties - that surely life must hold far more opportunities than that which it has to date presented to you. You sincerely believe that there must be a simpler way to tap life's hidden recourses and should you be able to find that way - you could achieve your hearts desire. It's the not knowing 'how' that is affording you the constant worry. You are constantly probing and seeking - trying to ensure that at all times you are on your guard against missing any opportunity. 'Enough is enough'. You are anxious to avoid further setbacks. You are strenuously trying to make sure that you will not be overlooked and you badly need security.
You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realise all your ambitions.
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(1 melted army guy | light a match)
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[22 Jan 2009|10:16pm] |
figured out why it's been so long since i went into my head. life is too expansive, and too short at the same time. im still the little boy standing in a hall of doors with no idea which one to go through to find my mom. but i guess ive narrowed it down, and that's better than nothing. i have too much fun, where ever i am, and that may be a problem--if we're viewing things by society's traditional standards that woulds make me lazy and unproductive. BUT FUCK IT
i want to quit
and i want to do everything
and whatever i do, i want to do it full speed
it would really be awesome if i could have one day without this fucking constant contradicting confusion bullshit. thats probably why drugs were so appealing for so long, get stuck on one frequency, ride it, and do whatever to keep riding it. and now for various reasons thats just not enough, so it's back to being the semi-clueless little boy.
FUFILL ME, YOU DAMN LIFE
\or at least let me know what I want so i can get to work on it goddamnit
why am i always asking something or someone else for this kind of shit? probably because i was raised super religiously and now ive got super conflicting reflexes resulting from a super shift of ideologies at a super formative age. god i love just sleeping. and knowing that sometimes i will again feel that "i am actually alive" feeling and one day there will be something, or nothing, after this crazy shit.
im sufficiently ready to get drunk and loud and make no sense. six pack appetizer. thank you, pointless journal. ill be able to read my own thoughts again tomorrow and wonder who i was last night.
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(2 melted army guys | light a match)
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[05 Jan 2009|07:28pm] |
i feel like there's a lot i need to say, just to get it out, and now i feel overwhelmed. not using all of my head has caused some issues with assimilation of, well, pretty much fucking everything in my head.
or maybe thats what growing up is. i bet im supposed to stop using the crazy part and just hold onto the rational side that...well, to be honest i dont fucking know. it's the side people use to be successful in careers doing whateverthefuck for the rest of their lives to pay to live and buy and use and do whatever and go where ever and really most of the time i just dont feel like it's what i want. it's what i can do, if i can kill one side of my brain, but how is that for honest or real? i dont ever want to feel like im putting on a show or a front for anyone but that doesnt mean i dont have to do anything at all. i wish i would or could just do things for myself, for my own personal satisfaction, but half the time thats too fucking easy or too fucking impossible. either im content with nothing at all or im freaking out because i get so bored with all of this and repeatedly feeling the same old things and it just feels like im just caught on a stupid fucking ferris wheel of life, and it's been the same one for almost twenty-two years and it's finally gotten fucking old to the point where i cant stand it and i dont want to experience another goddamned day of the cyclical bullshit when it feels like i know within reason what the outcome of pretty much everything i do will be. ive paid enough attention. and so with this bullshit outlook, why wouldnt i want to get black out drunk all the time to pretend it's new or different every night or just stick a fucking needle in my arm to truly not give a shit about anything for as long as i can? i'd just about say it would be crazy not to. but then thats just one more thing to get old. why do i need new? thats what i can think about for a while. i just needed to get a new riddle to ponder and that will probably do.
i think this phase of my life is far too played out and im ready to move on. i guess that will be another year or two of college. but i have to admit i dont see the next one taking twenty-two years to get old, so hopefully by then ill be over new, or fresh, or novel, or whatever the fuck it is i feel like i need.
i wish more than anything that a god would fucking slap me across the face and tell me how it really is instead of letting this fucked up brain he/she may or may not have given me essentially do cartwheels down the drain of time or some shit. A+ DUDE THANKS A LOT!
ass.
and now i guess ill go chain smoke and ingest something to knock me out for the night because im really, really tired of these thought mice running around this stupid god damned wheel i have upstairs.
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(1 melted army guy | light a match)
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[02 Nov 2008|09:23pm] |
| [ |
music |
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new cold war kidsss |
] |
running into people you havent talked to in a long time can make you think, if you choose to. it can really pose all kinds of interesting questions with long, drawn out answers (which then might not even be resolute, black or white responses). anyway it seems like this situation has arisen way more often lately, and with what i will somewhat questionably call a much clearer head (crystal relative to six months or a year ago but that doesnt say much if anything), ive let myself contemplate some of these questions. i dont really lend much of my thinking time to this kind of retrospective analysis stuff because it's so easy to get wrapped up in and blur all kinds of lines with the present, and that can be dangerously confusing. sometimes i tend to empathize too much, even if it's my own past. if i choose to look at it, i smile, and click back into the now and look forward to living and experiencing more (if im not in one of those cute, despairingly misanthropic please-end-all-of-this moods). i think thats what has kept me out of a nostalgic mud hole.
anyway, i just spaced out and forgot where i was going with this but im sure it's of little to no consequence.* i guess, basically, ive been thinking more abstractly again lately and forgot how satisfying it can be. dealing with real world stuff (plans, bills, school, work, having good times) has unknowingly been my focus for who knows how long, and taking a little time to climb around in the brain clouds is nice.
"hows it going?" has been the most ridiculous question for me lately. i mean of course it's going to be something that boils down to "pretty damn good" for the sake of small talk, but when i actually think about it, i dont know how i am. it's hard to tell if things are good, or if they're better, or whatever. what is "better"? i feel like my life's standards are so basic that it's hard to not be good, and i wonder if thats new or i just noticed it. or if it's bad, and by who's standards? if im eating, paying my bills, doing well in school, and generally having a good time, what else can i ask? everything that goes on around me between me and/or other people(essentially drama) doesnt have much affect on my day to day feelings. i guess im just incredibly self-absorbed, at least when it comes to handling the negative stuff. i just forget about it. it's not hard when you stay at arm's length with people. hmph. i dont think this is where i wanted to go.
i still need to put the groceries up. i guess just take whatever you want from this and insert some super typical twenty-something bullshit wondering about growing up and where my life is going and who i want to take with me. add rambling contemplations on why i would choose who i want in my life and end with some completely ambiguous conclusion that basically limits my responsibility to whatever happens directly to me--a well-suited reactionary type, at present. pepper heavily with vulgarity, i didnt use enough.
*looks like i kind of remembered, and it was, in fact, of little to no consequence, much less importance.
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(1 melted army guy | light a match)
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[23 Oct 2008|04:56am] |
joyriding
animal clinics
disturbed
STEEP* hill
car wreck at top
joyriding
stroke
confusion
responsibility
long pause
woke up
legs asleep
i just had a nightmare for the first time in i dont know how long and woke up with a computer next to me so i figured i would get the main points down just in case i ever care to elaborate im not really sure if i will because ill probably block it out of my head within twenty minutes but how the fuck am i supposed to get back to sleep now
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(2 melted army guys | light a match)
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[17 Oct 2008|09:51am] |
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i feel like i havent felt in a very long time. ill admit it, im sitting here between classes looking at that 'people you might know' thing on facebook, and no, i dont think i know any of them. and after reading their profiles, i dont fucking want to. by the third or fourth one the look on my face would make you think i was staring at obese necrophilia galleries. apparently i dont like people right now so ill just stick with the ones i already know and hate/love. maybe im getting too cynical, but i am so fucking sick of people thinking they're the first person to ever write a journal or listen to a band or walk by the fucking river. i feel like a jerk, time to continue on with friday! woo!
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(2 melted army guys | light a match)
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[15 Oct 2008|03:05pm] |
stuffwhitepeoplelike.com does a great job of listing what makes some of the most annoying, pretentious people. it just sucks that there's such a fine line between what will make me laugh and what makes me want to forcibly put a large sharpened stick down my ear. at least rating trust fund hippies is still an easily accessible and thoroughly enjoyable pastime in between classes, but only when you dont have to hear them.
jeff goldblum will be on law and order starting in november and im not sure exactly how that makes me feel.
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(4 melted army guys | light a match)
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[01 Oct 2008|05:01pm] |
when you get to the top of the space needle, im thinking of the one in gatlinburg, there is some weird trouble. not totally terrible, just trouble. worn out warning.
school isnt letting me work as much as i need to but ill fix it next semester. A's are a little more important than an extra fifty bucks a week on my check.
everything is pretty fucking peachy right now and it's been a while since it wasn't so. thoroughly surprised at how long ups can ride, gotta be some kind of life record.
mentalfloss.com
for some reason i was thinking about swear jars on the way to (or from) birmingham, probably as a way to save up a little money to spend on something stupid that no one really needs. anyway, i thought about when we tried having one at work and how bad it was because every time we got caught and had to put money in another un-customer friendly word or phrase would come out and more money had to go to the jar. it usually happened in series of three. so getting caught once was pretty much thrice. we ran out of money on hand and started using the closing check list. i think this only lasted one or two nights.
this was very pointless, but it serves as a good example to how fucking weird memories work. i havent thought about that probably since it happened and it just came into my head. i wish i could get a new memory once or twice a day, im sure there are pleeenty. but at least im making some good ones for later. woohoo, etc.
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(light a match)
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[05 Aug 2008|11:35pm] |
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im a big fat hurtin smile and for some god damned reason people make feel like i should apologize. i cant honestly be sorry for anyone else's current life choices and i shouldn't feel obligated to feel any damn thing for mine. fucking recurrent shit, i know, but thats how it goes when youre havin a damn good time all over the place. sorry i spilled the vibes! i just want to listen to songs about guys killing their cheating counterparts because they are just so ultimately satisfying in the present tense. and i love cheese fries. too much going on to even try articulating thoughts, have a great time!
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(light a match)
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| right quick |
[29 Jul 2008|09:41pm] |
i sweat like no other.
ive slept 4 hours in two days and worked 18, logically this means im a fucking machine and i will never die.
im about to make the most badass homegrown fried green tomatoes ever. tomorrow. finally. maybe thursday.
southern rock was apparently implanted in my being before birth because i cant turn it off, most of the time.
lately ive been a giddy fucking schoolgirl at least 20 hours out of the day, who knows how that will end up but i support it and will most definitely do what i can to perpetuate it.
i dont look like i would kill you, but at the same time do i really look like i wouldnt?
quarter beers made me watch baseball for exactly one hour and twenty-two minutes. for the upteenth attempt, it's still slow and boring, which is why i find far more interest in eyeballing the crowd and making their lives up, just like long drives.
im putting art on my walls but it's my special personal magic art ill have to explain later, pretty much rorschach test stuff i find at work. apparently my imagination is hung like a fucking horse.
CALL ME THE BREEZE
PEACE//LOVE
ps.
lenny williams- cause i love you
dig it
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(light a match)
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[20 Jul 2008|10:03pm] |
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im off for a week and i plan on spending the entire time at the lake. apparently i was born to kneeboard, among other things. i love it all right now, if i was capable of taking care of a camera i would have the most awesome pictures, but im not. my cellphone will have to do, and it seems to do just what i need it to. i cant wait until i spend the majority of my time racing around lakes fishing and jumping shit on a four wheeler. my top desires right now are house boat and a go-cart. and if anyone knows a proper place to build a small treehouse, let me know. ive got unlimited lumber and a strong urge to live the rest of the warm months/fall twenty+ feet up in a tree. drama free//onelove
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(light a match)
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[14 Jul 2008|11:53pm] |
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if you ever wondered what the hell is going on youre probably missing the fucking point--because the point is to just be. just fucking roll with it. i cant shake the idea that this is a great river im on, and it speeds up and slows down and it's deep and shallow and it's always changing and i just feel like i was built to take every single drop of it however it comes. i love the happy and the sad, and the gold and the shit. this is my version of having an external locus, while it's still totally internal at the same time. im boy scout ready for anything and thats how it's always been, which is why i still have kind of a hard time understanding why anyone flips out over anything. i can just deal, magically i guess. if you know anyone like this send them my way so we can float along together plz/i love you all have a nice time be safe see you around%$
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(6 melted army guys | light a match)
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[09 Jul 2008|11:11pm] |
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fuck it, apparently im one of the few thats knows how to ride the goddamn rollercoaster. good luck getting me off, or convincing me it's not fun. ill break down one day, but it sure as shit isnt now and that, my friends, is whats up. smiles and laughs 24/7 might seem superficial but in my reality they are the core of this. i breathe to laugh and couldnt ask for more. im 21, and i think im a fucking rolemodel for the times. peace///love
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(1 melted army guy | light a match)
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[24 Jun 2008|04:21pm] |
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ive never cried so much in my entire life. ever. i didnt know it was still possible to sob uncontrollably, or still feel anything this heavy like im feeling now. and i cant tell if im taking things super terribly hard or if im taking them exactly how they should be fucking taken.
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(5 melted army guys | light a match)
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[19 Jun 2008|07:36pm] |
i just feel like sincerely apologizing to anyone thats ever cared about me in any way. i was dealt a bullshit hand, and responded (in my seventeen year old brain) 100% accordingly. and thats the whole story. it worked, and still works. having a good fucking time right here and now is all i plan to do until this shit runs out. i dont care when it does, but i swear to you, im FULLY enjoying this, and i hope theres not one single fucking crying person at my funeral.
thats disgustingly dramatic and extreme, im not dying any time soon (that i know of) i just thought it should be on record. i want to hughughug and laughLAUGHlaugh every day like i have been. side note: i cant stop dancing when i hear music, i dont even notice im dancing until something hurts.
THIS IS A ONE TIME FUCKING DEAL* AND IM USING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BIT OF IT. MINE.
*(that we know of)
sidenote IV:
it would be nice to supply dying people with my organs, but i dont think any of them will be worth a shit. thats what i would feel really bad about if i felt like feeling bad. but realistically, i was born with these, i need to use them to their maximum potential. their GOD-GIVEN potential. yeah. ive got a weird blood type or something anyway so whatever. i just hope by the time i go people can eat other people (i mean shit gas is $4?) and ill taste good and maybe people will catch a buzz.
i hate the internet. this was entirely unnecessary.
we have a goddamn good time
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xxbhamxplayaxx's journal